When in Doubt, Go Nuts.

Ever had to sit through a boring dinner for a relative you didn't know you had?

Super-Xpat has.

Ever wish for some way to pass the time in a tasteful, non-offensive manner?

Super-Xpat did.

Do you know a perfect solution to these and other similar problems?

Super-Xpat knows.


BEHOLD!



Peañut á Trois.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM PEANUTS!??

Super-Xpat dares you to find a more appealing, non-sexual time-waster than Stack-Those-Nuts. Super-Xpat double dares you.

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OMFG! 7+7+7=21; Sept.=7; 7+2=9; 21=Two 1s ∴ 777=9/11!!

Super-Xpat cringed this morning at the news of the crashastopic stock market drop. The severe anal raping lowly expat's not-quite-so-super-anymore-portfolio suffered aside, what really brought on the dread was the size of the drop: 777. Or more precisely 777.68 (by some accounts).

Just what we need. Super-Xpat knows the media, and so was unfortunately faced with the prospect of reading hundreds, if not thousands, of sub-par, shoddily scratched-out "news reports" with suck such wonderfully-catchy headlines like "The Market's Unlucky #777" or "Shocker! 777 Not Lucky Number" or... wait for it... "Triple 7's No Jackpot For Dow".

Fortunately, as of today the major publications have had enough tact to tiptoe around this obligato theme.

Unfortunately, Super-Xpat is also the guy that stops by car wrecks just to watch.

A quick google search found up some interesting and funny-if-not-terrifying blog posts, messages, comments etc... on this news. Take a look at what happens when Super-Xpat google searched "777 stock market jesus"

How about "Jesus Hates America".

Free speech is totally awesome.

Up next on the to do list: google search 777+stock+market+Casino+slots

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Top 10 Sanlu Milk Crisis Excuses

Look around in both English and Chinese media and you’ll find more than enough news on the Sanlu Milk Crisis / Kidney Stone-gate / Got Melamine Campaign. And even as it continues to develop, Super-Xpat feels that most anyone who has a bit of experience with media, China (or developing world businesses), and a sardonic attitude toward effectiveness of governments can guess how this will turn out. Perhaps when this happens.

But no matter what actually happens, we should all just be grateful that the news actually broke and that more and more people are talking. Or maybe not grateful. Since the first reporting, Super-Xpat has read some crazy "explanations" for the crisis. Some shocking, some shockingly ridiculous. So here for your enjoyment or disapproval, the Top 10 Sanlu Milk Crisis Excuses!

10. It wuz them counterfeiters!

9. Natural. Disaster.

8. Baidu--Business' Bi-yatch

7. Celebrity Spokespersons Lied to Us!

6. Every country has tainted food. This is just unfair criticism of China! (ok it's a satire)

5. It was those greedyLehman Brothers.

4. Ok, not Lehman, it was Geng.

3. Skrulls. Dirty Stinkin’ Cow-Skrulls.

2. We tried to tell them, mate. Six Months Ago. Tweedle-dee, la la la-dee-da-da… wait what was I supposed to do?

1. Much, much too busy with the Olympics.

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The Next Big Market Collapse...

LOL, ROFL, BWL, LMFAO, LOLZ, 555, ETC... this hilarious!
Don't forget to stay after the trailer for the "bonus" cut scene...

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Good Cookies, Bisquick Makes Not

During Typhoon downtime, Super-Xpat suddenly got a hankering for chocolate chip cookies, but good ones are hard to come by in Taiwan, much less during a Typhoon.

Fortunately Super-Xpat had a box of Bisquick in the home and remembered a catchy commercial that said something to the effect of, "Bisquick can be used to make anything!" So Super-Xpat thought, "Cookies are anything, therefore Bisquick can be used to make cookies."

Bisquick cannot be used to make cookies.

Non-believers and the curious may read on for pictures and the recipe for cookie disaster.

This was the recipe Super-Xpat found here.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe
An easy Bisquick chocolate chip cookie recipe

* 1/4 cup butter, softened
* 3/4 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
* 1 egg
* 1 1/3 cup Bisquick
* 1/2 cup chopped walnuts or pecans
* 1 package (6 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips, or 1 cup other chopped sweet or semisweet chocolate


Mix butter, sugar, and egg. Stir in Bisquick, chopped nuts, and chocolate chips or chunks. Drop by teaspoonfuls 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet. Bake at 375° for about 10 minutes, until lightly browned. Makes about 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies.

This is the result:

Everything looks good from this angle right?

OMFG!? What is this?? They're like 2 feet tall!

The texture was cake-like! Super-Xpat wanted cookies. If Super-Xpat wanted bad weather and scones, Super-Xpat would be in England. Can anyone give a little help here?

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You say Hurricane, Super-Xpat say Typhoon

And Australians say Willy-willy.

This weekend seems to be particularly eventful weather-wise. In USA Texas, Hurricane Ike. In Taiwan (look at the bottom of your electronics kids), Typhoon Sinlaku. And since even Super-Xpat here in Taipei cannot belittle 184km/hr typhoon breath or surf two meter waves, Super-Xpat decided to do some research.

First, Super-Xpat found that Hurricanes and Typhoons are essentially the same thing, except one forms west of the date line (no not the news show), one east. Both require winds above 74 miles per hour (119km/hr for the enlightened), heavy rains and so on.

But more interesting to Super-Xpat is the etymology.

Well, first, according to the online etymology dictionary, "Hurricane" was first used in:

1555, a partially deformed adoptation from Spanish huracan, furacan, from an Arawakan (W. Indies) word. In Portugal, it became furacão. Confusion of initial h- and f- common in Spanish in these years...

...OED records some 39 different spellings, mostly from the late 16c., including forcane, herrycano, harrycain, hurlecane. Modern form became frequent from 1650, established after 1688. Shakespeare uses hurricano ("King Lear," "Troilus and Cressida"), but in reference to waterspouts.

Then, Typhoon:

the modern word represents a coincidence and convergence of at least two unrelated words of similar sound and sense. Tiphon "violent storm, whirlwind, tornado" is recorded from 1555, from Gk. typhon "whirlwind," personified as a giant, father of the winds, perhaps from typhein "to smoke."

The meaning "cyclone, violent hurricane of India or the China Seas" (1588) is first recorded in T. Hickock's translation of an account in Italian of a voyage to the East Indies by Cæsar Frederick, a merchant of Venice, probably borrowed from, or infl. by, Chinese (Cantonese) tai fung [颱風] "a great wind," from tu "big" + feng "wind;" name given to violent cyclonic storms in the China seas.

A third possibility is tufan, a word in Arabic, Persian and Hindi meaning "big cyclonic storm" (and the source of Port. tufao), which may be from Gk. typhon but commonly is said to be a noun of action from Arabic tafa "to turn round."

Then there is the term "Cyclone". Super-Xpat feels all three are very cool... and can't decide which to use... perhaps Cycuriphoon? Tyriclone? Huritaiclonane?

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Smart Decisions...

Super-Xpat can face down hours of mind-numbing work, endless Chinglish, squat toilets, bad KTV singing, other similarly close-minded expats and more, but faced with a choice and a deadline and Super-Xpat becomes yet again lowly expat. Decizionite. Super-Xpat's one (of many) weaknesses!

Case in point: three months ago foolish lowly expat must have sat on his phone because the screen now no longer displays pretty colors. Now Super-Xpat must rely on a borrowed purple Nokia phone designed for girls. Super-Xpat decided to wait for iPhone 3G, imagining how cool he would be among all the other iWannabes, but then El Jobso caved to the telcoms and are now forcing buyers to sign contracts. Currently the going grey market price is ~ 700 to 800 US$ (2 months rent, 30 months Internet Access, 24o comic books, 1,500 bus rides, or 16,000 sticks of Juicy Fruit) , much too much to not mull over first. Then, when Super-Xpat was just about to jump the shark, news of the HTC Dream aka Android's impending release broke. Followed by news of Sony Xperia for end of September. Today, HTC Touch HD. What should Super-Xpat do!!!????

What lowly expat always does is conduct inordinate amounts of research and create list after list of pros and cons. Super-Xpat does not. Super-Xpat made the list below in ten minutes, and that's why Super-Xpat will never be able to decide.

1. Apple iPhone 3G
• For:
  In Super-Xpat's non-humble opinion, the coolest smartphone out there. Available right now for lots of Super-Xpat gloating goodness.
  
  
• Against:
  The iPhone might reveal lowly expat's secret identity. Plus Super-Xpat hates Apple arrogance. And Justin Long.
  


2. HTC Dream
• For:
  A Google Android phone will make Super-Xpat hacker-Xtraodinaire-like and hackers are cool and get (few if any) girls. Who didn't see the Matrix! Whoa, Super-Xpat can dodge bullets, but he doesn't have too! Boo-yah! Who bothered to see the sequels!?
  
  
• Against:
  Unfortunately, ged-durn fugly in Super-Xpat's un-humble opinion. Plus who knows when it will be available.


3. Sony Xperia
• For:
  A Sony-Ericsson phone will show everyone that the business force is with Super-Xpat. Plus Super-Xpat likes Sony's spelling-sense.
  
  
• Against:
  Sony or Apple? Who's worse at using proprietary technology? Who's worse at overpricing their wares? Who spends more on marketing? Think Different? Super-Xpat Θ Sony-Ericsson? Screw all that and Θ Wolff Olins


4. HTC Touch HD
• For:
  Android-re-ROM-able? Small marketing budget? (Duh, this is a Taiwanese company). Similar looks and better features? Maybe just the underdog that will ensure Super-Xpat's un-selloutness.
  
  
• Against:
  Have you seen HTC's branding and marketing? It's so... iWannabe.


5. Screw smartphone. Get Dumbphone. Read more get brain-rotting comics.
   

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Yay to Free Comics! Down with Free Comics! ...wait, whuh?

Super-Expat faces a real dilemma here. Super-Expat loves comics... *ahem*, graphic novels. Yet Super-Expat also loves the money for which he works somewhat diligently. But comics... *ahem*, graphic novels cost much monero. Thank God who may or may not exist for scanners and scanslaters. Super-Expat promises to support creators as soon as he earns enough to support himself. And while free comics usually makes Super-Expat creepily happy, last week Super-Expat found a free comic website that made him very angry.

Said website is stealing the illegal work of scanslators for hundreds, nay thousands of Japanese, Taiwanese, Hong Kong and other manga / comics, and posting them online in an attempt to make money from the ads. Getting to the comics means navigating through several website address jumps with each page doing its best ad-pimp impression. And then rather than a download, each comic page must be loaded one by one in an attempt by the naughty site to maximize page clicks. And of course no contact information is available and a whois domain search is completely useless. GRRRR....

But of course, Super-Expat has no right to be angry. Super-Expat may not try to make money off of illegally-scanned and downloaded comics, but Super-Expat isn't helping solve the problem by participating in the free exchange of comic bits and bytes. Inevitably this was going to happen. Perhaps the only thing to do is to not download the comics from that particular site. The Pirate Bay it is!

Those interested can visit the site by solving this wonderfully annoying code:

wwwdoteveryone'sfavoritevowelandromanizationofchineseforcomicdotcom

(Warning, if successful, link may direct to a site with content inappropriate for those under 18-years of age or get off uncontrollably at the site of scantily clad manga women. Site is also in simplified Chinese.)

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First!

Or to be more accurate, fourth. As in fourth attempt to maintain a social-networking tool. Friendster, Xanga, Facebook... tried them all. All have died tortured, unrefreshed deaths. Actually the Facebook account still lives, albeit only in a lonely, unfeeling coma.

Undoubtedly maintaining this social web would be pretty helpful for Super-Xpat in this new "networked" society--in the long run. Especially if Super-Xpat plans to quit Expat's day job. It just seems strange to obsess with blogging, twittering, texting, plurking, deifying Al Gore and so on, instead of really doing stuff to help the world. But Super-Xpat is no liberal hippie. Only self-hating, conservative, expat supremacist.

So Subscribe to Super-Xpat Feed! Be My Friend!

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